I am IN THE ZONE. I am in the FLOW of decluttering and minimising and making spaces. I am feeling the gathering of energies and the potential to direct all that towards something important...
But I have to stop and let it fizzle out a bit (reminiscent of how I had to stop the art-making and let the momentum fizzle out a lot) because I have to resume work on the dayjob by tomorrow, which, as you know by now, resides in an entirely different zone that is at odds with everything my life wishes to stand for. I have a report that needs to be done by Wednesday, and so I only have Monday and Tuesday to get it all wrapped up and out of the to-do list.
It is actually a holiday tomorrow but nevertheless I must do the work. In the process I must drop the thrumming reins of redefining the foundations of my life, my life lines, and attend to the thing with the deadline. Always deadlines. Dead lines. Someday, and sooner I hope than later, I will cease being led by dead lines.
Hence aptly named a commercial break. I take a break for commercial purposes, for the making of money. Cut the main show at awkward points to insert a paid portion with a jarring jingle. Prolong the telling of the story with numerous interruptions. Disrupt. Distract. Break in. Do you know that these very words show up in advertising strategy documents? They mean it. They intend it. They often win.
I have this mental ball of energy, like a yarn woven and gathered, growing bigger from the space-clearing I have been doing for the past two days. Stagnant stuck energies reawakened from unused forgotten corners and containers. But now the ball is growing and glowing. Like a comet itching to hurtle across the sky. Energies repurposed and redirected. A ball of potential.
But wait. Sorry, I need to work. Always, always, this constant breaking. My heart breaks.
I will try to be strong and positive. Think of the money. I get it. I get how the money is the means. My issue is with how I earn it. How I have to be someone I'm not. How I have to be someone I don't like very much. Most won't, don't, get it. Like I am ungrateful and ungracious. I know. It tears me. It breaks me. It chokes me.
I endure. I do what I can. I do what I should. I do what is responsible.
Meanwhile I dream, I dream, of a house in the woods by a lake or a sea.