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Spaces

2/29/2016

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Every day, my longing for a certain place and a certain way of life becomes sharper and stronger.

It frightens me sometimes. How intensely it burns inside me, that sometimes I feared it would burst out of my skin like a supernova.

Most of the time it is quiet, becoming visible only when I catch myself wiping a persistent dampness from my face as I lay in bed, fighting insomnia, worrying about too many things, wishing for a way out of everything. Or a way in. Because in many cases I have always been an outsider, caught forever on the fringe of Things, passed over.
I yearn for --

— space, to breathe, to live,
to stretch my arms and my
invisible wings, nothing grand, mind you,
just a decent spread of feathers,
enough to lift my feet
off the ground and let me
soar over castle towers,
to catch a glimpse of sleeping princes,
planting seeds of longing in that space
between sleeping and waking,
and waiting for whichever takes root
among those dark and dangerous souls.

— space, with bright, bright light,
pouring in every morning
and all afternoon, cascades of gold,
or a spectacular view
of rain and thunderstorms,
the sky a companion, a witness.
At night, the full moon visible, unimpeded,
on certain evenings when
spells have to be cast,
to help a few Things along,
or simply when I feel like howling
either in ecstasy or lamentation.

— space to break and scatter
my selves, harvesting seeds
for planting into dreams,
to create, spin, weave,
Stories to trade for when
I need to walk the worlds,
currency of the soul,
worth its weight in gold,
and safe passage.

— space to be empty, free of
deadlines and obligations,
a length of time unencumbered
by due dates, nothing looming in
the horizon, nothing to prepare for
but that which I had been waiting for,
nothing arriving that I did not expect,
nothing given that I did not hope for,
nothing taken away that I did not release.

— space to walk, to run,
forest floor or sandy beach,
away, far away from anyone
who would not, could not, hear
the susurrations of a chafing spirit,
away from who could not stand silence.
No city lights, no ringing pinging phones,
No rumble of engines nor
noisy market talk or weather talk, only space to hear
birdsong and crickets, wind through the fields,
rushing water, crashing waves,
rain on a cluster of trees,
the occasional conversation of cows and
wild animals passing by,
the sound of book pages turning,
music played by hand or breath, unrecorded,
only remembered by the creatures
who paused to listen.

— space to be alone in, at night,
while I lie on my back,
face to face with the night sky,
speaking to the constellations,
murmuring a litany of old secret names,
taunting a response, a blink,
a lightning strike,
watching for signs,
a telltale streak across the sky,
(exile of a rebellious angel,
a blue police box)
a falling to meet me, here,
ready to receive,
(be careful what you wish for).

— space in someone's heart
to call my own, untransferable claim,
hollow in my absence,
moulded to the shape of my soul
marked with the unutterable alphabet
of my true name,
very much like the space,
this wide wild chasm here
in my own heart, waiting,
yearning.

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Fence Sitter

2/12/2016

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In one of my forays into my recently compiled Life Library, I found this poem. It has not yet been included in my poem collection because it was part of a blog post from a long-dead blog site and the file was saved in my hard drive in html format.
i tap my feet in rhythm with the clock's tiny hands
​
most would think i was impatient
but i am only tapping my feet

sitting on this well-worn fence
watching the floods sweep away
scenes and stages and backdrops

my legs get speckled with mud
and rainwater that usually tasted of tears
spatter me, the observer, feigning immunity

stars die before me, blazing sadly into the sea
extinguished by misplaced hope
crushed by too-passionate expectations

i take hints and cues and notes
mumbling "i thought so"
like a litany

all in all, there have also been
too many occasions for laughter
i have amassed volumes of cosmic jokes

one day, I was laughing too hard,
that i fell, spilling myself, my heart
tumbling off to rest by someone’s feet.
I have forgotten already what I was thinking about when I wrote this poem, but I suspect it was triggered by a love un-story. Possibly I was going through a period of keeping myself away from falling into another false fairy tale. Possibly I was already on the brink of falling. Reading through it now, I feel that the image of myself as a fence-sitter  has been true, for I have been a fence-sitter on my very own life for many years.

I thought that to define myself I only had to have one opinion for every thing. I have heard it said so often that one should always have an answer, and always choose a side. Also, that the sides and answers are by multiple choice — that I could only pick the answers from what were already presented to me. And that changing answers is frowned upon and discouraged (unless it favoured the popular trend where most of everyone stood, or it favoured an unpopular, but "cool", trend).  Also, that the questions I answer have to be those put upon me by others.

It took me many years to learn that the answers and the sides can be something new and something else. That the questions can be made open-ended instead of close-ended. That what if is a real option, not just either/or. Also, that the questions I choose to answer can be the questions that I ask myself, and that these questions are more important to my own growth than what others dictate I should answer.

Re-reading the poem I also saw that in some cases there is something to be learned from momentarily doing that balancing act along the fence, a temporary distancing of the self to survey all options. To understand what is at stake, and what really matters to me. See that I say temporary. Because yes, at some point I have to take a stand, make a choice, and hopefully be strong enough to act according to those choices. 
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How To Use Your "Life Library" As A Resource and Reference 

2/9/2016

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If you haven't, read this post first. It's the first part of making. This post is for using what you made.
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  1. Spot patterns that you keep repeating in your life, whether something good that brings you positive results, or something that needs to be improved or changed. 
    1. This is not about dwelling or being stuck in the past but about looking at your life as a whole, and how you can move it forward from where you are at the moment.
    2. You will see what you always gripe about, what never fails to make you happy, what you keep wishing for. In recognising these you discover ways on how you can start making small changes in your daily life so you will gripe less, be happy more often, and make more wishes come true.
    3. You will discover the small and big unconscious things that you do that lead to certain results. For example, I have seen how being consistent and specific in writing down what I want to happen or to have often led to the fulfilment of that thing. Writing concretises your desires, pulls them into the tangible worlds, and gives them a pathway to reality. At the same time, I also saw how my tendency to say yes to avoid displeasing anyone led me to many painful situations, and eventually I learned to start saying no.
  2. Gather and harvest creative seeds — I found seeds for poems, stories, and even artwork as I expressed myself without reservation. I wrote the entries with untempered emotions and thoughts. Afterwards I get to go over those entries again with an eye for insight and inspiration. Believe me, something will come up, especially if you have chosen to steer your life into a creative direction.
  3. Add notes to yourself. I have marked wishes and hopes that were granted (there were those!) I have even argued with my old self, having now gained a better perspective on Things — and you realise that you are not stuck and you can change your opinions when you have had more information and experience. I have also lifted and expounded on old subjects I was not able to go more deeply into at the time.
    1. I also like adding images and sketches as “comments” to myself. Also I like the idea of layering writings through time so that the whole thing is dynamic not static. Sometimes I revisit a subject in a new entry in my current journal.
  4. Enjoy the memories especially when the photos complement the writings.
    1. Appreciate all the good things, even and especially the small everyday ones that we often easily forget. You will see that there were a lot of good even when we tended to spotlight the drama of the bad.
    2. There is also something to be learned when what you write contrasts with what you see or capture visually. Soon you learn to live your days with more awareness and less default. You begin to record with more meaning and intention. And in the process you find that you are setting the directions for your life instead of letting others define it for you.
  5. Forgive yourself. Be at peace with who you were. Look forward to who you are becoming.
    1. You will definitely see something that disappoints you. We all have those moments.
    2. You will see your mistakes. But remember it is all in the past. Do not get trapped into reliving them and punishing yourself. Move forward. (But I have also seen that old mistakes were sometimes blessings in disguise, or necessary steps — something that is only possible to see in hindsight. Learn to recognise those too.)
    3. You are more than your past. You are constantly changing, growing, evolving. 
  6. Congratulate yourself for having survived thus far. Continue the journey. Be grateful that you are actually able to hold the map of your life in your hands. Do not waste this moment to become more of what you need to be. Be awake, be aware. Read between the lines. Everything is hidden in plain sight.
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Garden of Selves, Writing Wonderland

2/9/2016

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I have been busy re-crafting the draft of a novel I wrote in 2012. I have also been busy compiling poems that I plan to publish as an illustrated book.

In the process of sifting and searching through my notes and my journals for material, I stumbled into an old rabbit hole and found a Wonderland that has eluded me for quite some time.

This was what happened.

For quite a few years now, since I left my regular job in 2010 and have had more time to write for myself, I had started to get frustrated at the general difficulty of finding and accessing my own information when I need them. My selves have been scattered across too many forms, platforms, and storage systems. I have not had the proper time nor strategy to pull it all together into a coherent, accessible, useful system that would help fuel my daily movement forward, and that would put all those writing commitments and efforts to continued practical and creative use.

(You see, I believe much in the idea of having a direction, even a loose one, for any writing and creative endeavour. Everything is a potential seed, and I like the thought of all my tiny daily steps accumulating into the semblance of a whole. When I practice, there is a purpose behind it, no matter how light or small. I have suffered the regrets of absent-minded actions, default actions, half-baked habits, and doing things just for the sake of being able to say you did them, without a clear idea of why exactly you’re doing it — and no, the answer "because everyone else is doing it", or "because it’s really cool", does not count in the long run.)

Anyway...  
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My Tiny Studio. Sanctuary and Portal to Otherworlds. Definitely not minimalist nor paperless.

The problem of this "full writing access" has been more pronounced with my digital files -- which are composed of notes from various apps and some that have repeatedly migrated from older (even obsolete) systems and softwares. Despite the current efficiency of Evernote, there was just something slippery about working with data purely on screen. The forms and layouts change as softwares and apps change, distorting many pieces I’ve written before if not altogether corrupting them. Not all the apps I like are available across all gadget types. Every phone I’ve owned had gone through a mysterious reset that lost me pieces of writing. Faulty cloud syncing sometimes end up with missing portions of files. And if the internet connection is wonky like it has been for the past few days, well, you get the drift. 

In the past few days when I have been seriously rewriting a novel draft, I keenly felt this need for a simple straightforward system that I could use regardless of whether I had the computer on or not, or whether I had internet access or not. It had to be a system that could integrate literally almost everything — writings, notes, even sketches on scratch paper, photos. All in one place. And must all be editable with marginalia, and re-arrangeable, and I should be able to add or subtract pieces while keeping a specific order to the information. And the whole thing should allow me to keep track of all it contained and can easily integrate anything I add to it with the minimum of fuss.

After having tried too many possible solutions, I found myself going analog and old-school. Simple, straightforward, tactile.
 
So — Hard copies. I want to see and feel the physical weight of my output rather than looking at megabytes and file counts. Physically moving bits of paper around. Post-it markers. Highlighter pens. Literally pasting things. Punching holes. Multiple mediums but all boiling down to a single accessible system that remains unchanged until I desire to change it, not subject to the whims of software and hardware developers, not subject to the availability of gadgets, electricity, and internet connection. Computer-crash-proof. Organic and open to playing with — a garden of all my selves. 

It is essentially my digital files translated into my paper notebook journals. The way I have always liked it — layered, colourful, limitless, textured, mixed media, changeable yet also retaining the original spirit in which it was made (the type and aging of paper, ink smudges, handwriting, images used, erasures…)

The other advantage of this physical form : it works better with how my “mind palace” works — that is, how my mind processes and stores information. It may be showing my age but my mind works better with visual AND tactile counterparts. I can better recall which notebook from a year ago had what post more than I can recall which folder I saved a digital file yesterday. As I have said, slippery. (Interestingly, I have a similar experience with reading via Kindle versus reading paper books. I recall more details reading from paper than from a screen, and I am better able to keep to the thread of the story longer if I’m reading it in paper book form.) 
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Monthly photo "summary" printed in contact sheet format. Notice I stamped the date on each page so I knew exactly when they belong.
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Journal entry printed from an app I no longer use due to limited features.
A Rough Guide On How To Do It
  1. Save a copy of every writing and art that you have made digitally in your hard drive, including your posts on social media and blogs.
    1. Use Evernote, which syncs to a cloud, as a repository of all the files. A single place you access where you can be SURE you put everything in.
    2. Use IFTTT to automatically save your online posts in social media to your Evernote. I have set it to copy all my posts in Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook page to my Evernote into designated folders.
    3. Use an app like iPhoto to contain ALL your digital photos. It can easily search and sort by date, which is very important for generating your hard copies later on.
  2. Assign a binder folder for every year or half year. In my case, I have one folder for “lean” writing years, and two folders divided into half-years for my more prolific writing years.
    1. I have one folder containing a decade of writings because that was the period when I was a corporate slave.
    2. If you want, have dividers per month.
    3. If you want, pick a binder that has the plastic covers where you can insert your own design
  3. Collect all writings produced within a period and print them out.
    1. Include random writings on notepads, stray pages from old notebooks, loose handwritten or sketch pages. Any piece of paper that is not attached or belonging to a bound notebook. Typewritten pieces. Now there is actually a place to gather them all. (I find that this also taught me to discard what is really trash or not helpful to my growth.)
    2. Include your blog posts. save them into Evernote using the Web Clipper which is VERY efficient.
    3. Print per entry from Evernote, Make sure the date of the entry is in the print copy. (I prefer to stamp mine after printing.) (Two years ago I also invested in an ink-tank printer which can print thousands of pages, both plain and coloured, before needing a refill. The investment has been well worth it.)
    4. Arrange printed pieces in chronological order, divided by month.
  4. Organise photos by month per year and print them out. I am only familiar with iPhoto but I am sure there are equivalent functions in other software.
    1. Print per month per year in contact sheet format. This lets you print multiple photos in a single sheet. I set mine to 4 columns — not too small but not too big either. Enough to give me a good sense of what transpired that month. (Just by the photos alone you will get a good idea of where your focus and attention have been. I noticed how my deliberate choice to be live more creatively changed the themes of my photos.)
    2. File photos in their corresponding binder folder within their corresponding month.
  5. Marvel at how much you have done.
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Ephemera and souvenirs from late 1990s to early 2000s. The binder folder had a pocket in the inner front cover.
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When in the mood you can decorate the dividers. This simple cutout from a magazine page clearly reminded me of what kind of visions dominated my mind at the time.
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I was pretty much amazed and pleased at the amount of writing I have actually done in 2013. It motivated me to keep on writing because I hold the results of my writing practice in my hands.
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Loose pages from unfilled-out old journal notebooks find a home within its own timeline.
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I often have multiple entries in a single day so it helps when I also note the time of day of my writing. Also helps a lot when arranging all the entries in chronological order.
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These monthly dividers are quite hard to find since the "cool" trend now is to do everything digital. Unfortunate for the old-school minority.

Next : How To Use Your "Life Library" As A Resource and Reference
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