I was angry. My paycheck has been withheld and delayed, most likely to protect the profit margins as the year closes. I have been explicit in my email that I needed the money now, and that I had medical expenses to deal with (my mom has been undergoing treatment for her arthritis). Do you think they cared? Of course not. Not even for the sake of Christmas.
I was so angry I almost cursed them.
But I decided to let karma do the work.
Instead I made today a studio day. Behaved as if there was not any dayjob task to be completed (although there were, but today I did not care one bit).
I gave myself over to the muse. I allowed myself to explore and go deep and not worry about not getting back in time to be responsible and serious about dayjob things. I have no plans of getting back to any dayjob thing today. or tomorrow. Or Sunday.
I finished four sketches for painting. Big ones. My favourite is the one with two owls but which I could not take a photo of because the pencil lines are so light.
I figured I will start painting patterns of pairs and combinations and complements.
It feels so good to just let go.
It's like I gained a huge extra space inside me that makes breathing a lot easier.
I have counted up my remaining money and have set budgets for the rest of the year. We'll survive. There will just be a lot of delays in utility payments. And when the New Year comes in I will have almost empty pockets, possibly just have enough left so I can take a cab to the client presentation on the second week of January. The delayed paycheck comes in on the third week. On the fourth week another paycheck will come in. There will be money for the mundane basic things. Just delayed.
But the delay opens up my hours now. Instead of going to the malls to get swept up in the holiday rush I am staying home to draw and paint and write. Perhaps this is what I am meant to do. A big push of movement in my creative work because it is the only thing left to do. Because I got so angry that I was able to shake off that persistent sense of guilt and worry and stress over the yet-unwritten report that will be due on the second week of January. So angry that I shunned all that had to do with dayjobs and immersed myself in creative work, without guilt, without hesitation.
I feel fine now.