In my first post for the year I had been certain of taking a path. It was an old, somewhat familiar path, but it was a path well-travelled by others. I have made my marks on it but I cannot claim it as mine. It is a tributary to a larger path that leads to destinations I am not (and have never been) interested in getting to.
I decided to return to that path for a very simple reason : quick big cash. I thought maybe I could find a way to negotiate an arrangement that would also somewhat allow me to plant a few seeds of my own that could, at one point, help change the landscape of that path. I thought maybe I could actually manage to carve and claim a branching path, an alternative path, that would somehow help evolve the path into one that I could, maybe, be more willing to actually stay on for a little bit longer. I hoped, maybe I could bring in the meanings that are important to me, and which I believe are also important for the human condition. I thought, maybe, I can make a difference on this path. Yes, even decades later I can still be that naive and idealistic. And optimistic.
Things progressed as they should. I came closer to my goal of securing a good paycheck, and for a while my hopes of being and doing something meaningful to me and something I could love appeared to be very possible.
And then one morning, the possibility blurred. And now things are less certain.
I am both disappointed and not. I appreciate the learning that came with the whole experience. Certainly the process of it allowed me to realise things I would not have if I had not gone out there to explore.
Simply put, when it came down to pinning the Things into concrete forms, the difference in values (which I knew about, and which was why I left before, but which I hoped was navigable) became more apparent. And at this point, after all that I have persevered through, I do not think a compromise to the degree that I am seeing being laid out before me is something I can sustain for any prolonged period. I can understand the needs from both sides. But I also understand that perhaps, at this time, an equal relationship is not yet feasible. I appreciate the clarity of purpose of each side, but I can see that the purposes may not yet be aligned for equal mutual benefit. The expectations carry compromises, and a certain demand of investment -- physical, emotional, mental, even spiritual. The compromises and investment mean time and energy that have become my most precious currency, and which I cannot spend without careful deliberation.
So the decision to take that old path is put to a pause. I need to rethink everything. And come up with a Plan B. And a Plan C.
I have gone back to my mentors for reminders. And I have been listening keenly for clues and messages. They have been appearing, in many ways and many forms. It is only I who delays.