I put up a new page for the dayjob work stuff and got busy posting to begin shaping its story. It’s going to be a collection of links to articles and sites that reflect my work philosophy, plus quotes from pertinent books, plus my own crafted thoughts and opinions with a bit of historical storytelling about my work for context, that at the same, in some convoluted way, also seeks to promote my dayjob services. I will include topics on introversion which is an aspect of the working self that is often ignored or neglected. I will include a lot of life wisdom pieces that naturally affects work wisdom. I want to address notions of productivity and value. I want to express my own work process, what makes me good at what I do, and why time to think is essential — a bit of advocacy of investing in what is important not just on what is urgent.
As a whole, it all sounded like I was having fun and that I was excited about this particular adventure. I sounded optimistic and even cheerful.
A lot of people mistake my expositions about my work as passion or deep enthusiasm. I just happen to have a way with words, and I never present anything I am not comfortable or confident with. That is also why I am not unused to the occasional applause after a great report presentation, because my conviction of the value and quality of my work has imbued the output with the emotion of a truth. The audience felt the meanings I was hoping to convey, and my crafting of words and images made the meanings more compelling. I am good at what I need to do at work. I can put on a really good show. That's what people mistake for passion.
The truth is I have been feeling numb. It has been like watching it all from a distance.
Since I decided to put my creative journey on hold, I have been going to bed with an imagined feeling of fulfilment. I borrow a lot of memory feelings from the time when all this, the dayjob and its notions of success, were what all that mattered. On a good note, there is less explicit pain and stress when I have to spend hours working. No overt resentments.
What I am doing now, with the dayjob focus and all, is what is urgent. The creative journey, that is what’s important. The creative work, that is my passion. I will find my way back to it. I promise.