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I just got through another harrowing deadline. Spent Monday to Thursday with hardly any sleep to complete a sideline report that did not have enough time to begin with. It's one of the last few vicious cycles I need to resolve. The week before that I juggled too many different projects and lost all my me-days. Lost them all this week too. And will lose them again next week because there is another deadline right on the heels of the one that just got finished.

Thus the forest feels both so far away and then as close as being on the other side of a thin wall I could not break through.

Today is a relatively mild day compared to the past two weeks. Just one late morning meeting and one long afternoon meeting. Then I have to clean up the mess of the sidelines -- scattered remnants of deliver food packaging, bedsheets that need changing, unswept floor, thirsty dying plants, studio things slipping between the cracks into other worlds where I could not follow.

I am exhausted. Again. I don't want to believe that the only way to pay rent is to lose so much of what actually makes life worth living enough to bother to pay rent.

I will try to draw, paint, write. I will try.

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