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February was a Tough Month

As you already know, I was sick for a week at the beginning of it. Then my paycheck was cut in half because I didn’t have any paid leaves yet. So budgeting was a bit of a pain.


It was also the time we learned that my dad needs surgery and I had to come up with a financing plan.


It was my birthday month and it was the most uneventful. Zero gifts — not that I was really expecting any, but I was hoping to buy for myself and I had to pour all the funds into the household instead, including the art support pledges.


I had to decline joining the Art Mart this month because I don’t think I can do the preparations. I also don’t have enough funds for the fees. The paycheck deduction really took its toll.


I did finally get around to getting myself a few new books and notebooks yesterday. I sacrificed a whole Sunday and worked on a sideline for extra cash. Hence I was able to treat myself to lunch and buy gifts with a third of the sideline money. The rest, of course, will go into household expenses.


Still no art or studio time but despite the calming power of my meds, the stirring of the forest has been causing ripples on the surface of my days.


Last night I plunged into the new book I just bought - The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue - and it was a door.


Thus I am writing this post. For the nth time trying to break through into a forest path. In about an hour I’ll be shifting into dayjob mode again and I have to keep trying to learn to shift into forest mode seamlessly at the end of the day. I still haven’t been able to do it. I am severely fatigued at the end of a work day that I literally fall into a kind of shutdown stupor for the whole of the evening.


It’s a week into March. I begin to think of spring and cherry blossoms, of mad March hares running late for tea parties, of scorching summers just around the corner. The first quarter of the year drawing to an end.


The urge of spring cleaning is coming upon me. The itch of fresh beginnings and restarts. A ritual of clearing the old to make way for the new.


It will be payday next week and it will be my first mid-month paycheck without deductions. So maybe I can finally really adjust the budgets and push through with other plans — saving up for the surgery, next month’s Art Mart, pushing through with my own lab tests and follow-through consultation, completing the treatments for all the cats…


The forest fades into the distance at the surge of such constant relentless thoughts of daily living worries.


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