Notes to Myself on the Third of July
I have been trying to get through a blockage. I have all the material I need but I can’t get into a creative flow. I have a direction but the map is torn and there is a chasm between where I am and where I want and need to be.
Yesterday I fixed another corner of my room. Dissonant energies worsened the blockage in the early part of the week. Yesterday it was fixed but last night insomnia paid a visit for no clear reason. No dread or anxiety, just a very tight feeling — like a sealed-in spell, like a banked fire.
One thought that came to me: start where I am. Stop trying to catch up and trying to lay out the whole backstory to explain yourself. Just be and become. Stop worrying about setting it up just so in order to avoid offending people. Someone will always be offended, and most often they are the ones who don’t really matter. Don’t waste precious time on the periphery, go into the Heart of Things. Those who will understand will understand. And besides, you do this for yourself first and foremost, everything else is a bonus. When you have taken care of yourself, when you have told yourself the Story you need to hear in order to be the person you need to be, then you start taking care of helping others reap the gifts of what you’ve made. And even then you choose who and how, and when and why because you are not meant to make everyone happy. You stay true to your core, your spirit.
Start where you are. It is not mandatory to explain yourself beforehand. Everything will unfold eventually regardless of where you start. The past will catch up as necessary, and not all of it, only what’s necessary to keep you moving forward. The future will come to its own, there is no point in worrying or even trying to control it. Make space for the mischief and blessings of the gods. Make space for the magic to happen. Do what you can now, do it well, give yourself room to breathe and to rest, trust your process. It’s ok if the loudness of everything else drowns out what you’re trying to say. There will still be someone who will hear you. It will just take a bit of time to find each other through all the noise. Keep doing, keep making. It all counts. It all adds up.
If you carry your own light you won’t be invisible. Don’t let that fire go out.
Stop apologizing for what you are, for what you have become, and for what you are becoming.
Ignore those who would twist and use your words against you, those who will find fault with your authenticity, and who will find offense and make it about themselves. They are not your people. You are not required to please them or make them happy. (Someone will always be offended. You are not obligated to respond or explain.)