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The Beginning of an End

I have a lot of particularly strong thoughts and feelings today.

My current way and days of life are perhaps coming to a kind of end and, with hope, metamorphosing into better ones.

It was a full moon last night and the full-time dayjob offer came in. Last night was also the last day of the art mart for the year and will resume in February.

Of course my art mart participation will continue. The question I will meditate on today (by meditate I mean my version of it, which is getting into a meditative flow through the performance of certain tasks and chores while I ponder on things) is how to move forward with the dayjob path.

I need to be clear on the details that matter, ask the right questions for clarification, make the necessary preparations for the shift. It has been more than a decade since my last employment. But all the defaults have also been thoroughly shaken if not entirely toppled into new forms since the pandemic. My luck has been to chance upon the openings of a transforming world.

I have a chance for a full restart — and not just internally but externally. I have been reprogramming and rebooting my inner systems for the past eleven years to become more of what I am. Now I have a chance to stabilise the outer environment for it. I have a crucial window of opportunity to fully reshape and upgrade my life down to the day-to-day in a way that is according to the life journey I began a decade ago and persevered through to now.

I have waited long for many things to unfold in the course of my creative journey and my realisation of wanting to be an artist. I have repeatedly questioned my own sanity, reasoning, desires, even my loneliness and despair. I have gone through the whole chain of emotions of fear, doubt, guilt (a lot of it), regret, frustration — all the feels of having spectacularly failed and wasted my life.

The past eleven years have stripped me and my life down to its very bones. My heart and spirit have been put to a thousand tests — What is it you want to become? What is the call that you truly respond to? What is the authentic story that you want to live for the rest of your life?

So today is when I attempt to answer all those questions in a more definitive and deliberate way, while the means to potentially make it all possible waits in the wings.

A magical Monday to all!

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