Third day of the new year. I started the first being torn between setting an impossible pace of productivity or slowing down. I slowed down. I thought, if I slowed down I would be less likely to fall into the same traps. If I did not rush I would be able to think more clearly about where I was going. Better yet, I would be able to think more clearly about where I really want my life to go.
First day was so slow it was almost still. Still enough that the anxieties passed through without inflicting the usual damage. I turned myself into a zero. Nothing moved but what moved me. I did the bare minimums. Some would say I rested. Some would say I wasted time.
Second day I started a few small tasks. I chose what to do by how I felt not by what I thought was “right”. I made lists. I made very soft plans. I dared a few dreams. Overall I was still slow. So slow that the anxieties rushed by me with my old pace and mostly missed me.
It is the third day. The default of the world says it is the last “free” day. I want to question it. I do not want to be un-free again. I need a solid plan. I need a solid faith.
I am not where my anxieties usually find me. Somehow I have managed, even ever so slightly, to shift wavelengths so that I can still feel the resonance of all the fears and worries but for now we are not in the same space and I am not paralysed by them. I have to keep shifting until I can no longer feel them at all. Until the distance is so vast that we will become strangers to each other.
I still do not have a plan. I have seeds and ideas. Everything is so slow and yet with the slowness everything is also becoming a little more clear. Choices will have to made. Decisions will have to be made. I need a good starting point. The first mark on a blank map.
I am trying to find the self that has gone into hiding. The self who can bring the light back into this shell with a too-broken spirit and a pretend-heart. This adult in disguise. This emptiness. This loneliness. This hunger.