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Tired, Broke, Unhappy

I am keeping my fingers crossed that the "broke" part will be resolved very, very soon. I've sent out requests for two paychecks. One promised to send it next week. Another promised this weekend.

Tired because it has been a full week and it was a first time juggling four different projects with four different types of jobs to do. My supposed me-days were hijacked and I was running on empty for every single day. (I know better now on how to fix schedules next time. Ah, the forever fixing of broken things and broken systems and a constantly breaking heart.)

The tasks were not hard by themselves but they were draining and tedious. For me, they are the kind of tasks that when you look up from the laptop and look outside the window you feel a keening sense of dread and loss to see how much the day has actually passed you by. Because that's how much attention and focus they demand, how much they siphon off my energy. I guess it's different when you love this kind of job. I used to. I can still somehow remember when I used to love it and I lived it and breathed it 24/7.

I'm unhappy because I'm tired and I need to work today, on a Saturday, another me-day ambushed. Because the deadline is too short and there were parts of the process that were late and I have to bear the consequences and also that I've had to juggle it with three other jobs. Unhappy because I can already foresee how I may have to cram and work a lot of extra hours from Monday to Wednesday next week to meet the deadline and it has been so hard to work with my brain and body nowadays with the pandemic fatigue layering on top of it all.

A few days ago I tried to "balance" out all the sideline work with starting a painting but it eventually got set aside when I ended up just way too tired to even sit upright in the studio. But here is what I have managed to make so far.

I hope you (who has somehow gotten this far in reading this post or any post on this site) are having a better weekend than I am. 🌺

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