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Today Was Mine

After the writing this morning I went through the rest of the day in a kind of enchanted state. I stopped judging and questioning myself at every turn. I stopped nagging myself about what’s going to happen now and how am I going to fix everything.

Instead I explored something I’ve always wanted to do in my sketchbook. I fixed my studio without the every-minute-murmur at myself asking what exactly do I have to show for all the dreaming and the daring. I stopped worrying. I pushed away the anxiety that a call may come in about jobs that I don’t want to do. I pushed away the dread of every little thing that could go wrong.

I released the tight, tight, tight rope I had wound around myself made up of what I assumed to be other people’s expectations, demands, and judgments. I allowed myself to actually enjoy doing the things I want to do that I am able to do: cooking meals, reading, drawing, taking a nap. I did not lace them with the poison of shoulds and guilt-tripping.

I let myself trust, fully, absolutely, that if I aligned my heart truthfully with my spirit then the universe will indeed rush to meet me with a hundred steps matching every single one I make.

I felt a spaciousness inside me that is new and refreshing. I do not know how long I can sustain this state but I will remember it, and I will strive to return to it again and again and to stay longer each time until I can stay forever.

I know the worries and the anxieties are still there. But today they were not stronger. Today the day was mine, and I was able to savour its fullness and presence.

Today I was able to see how much of my life was good instead of being blinded by all that was wrong with it.

Today I did not feel guilty for all that was good in my life. For once I felt gratitude and generosity instead of regret, jealousy, and resentment.

Today I felt that the bad can be resolved given time and if I do not let myself be derailed and distracted by fear.

I consciously watched out for the ways I self-sabotage and stopped myself. I realised how much of my daily sorrows were actually of my own design. I was somehow offering “sacrifices” in order to deserve good fortune and breakthroughs and wins. It was a very old conditioning. That because I was essentially not a good person, I have to prove repeatedly that I deserved whatever I got. And if I am asking specifically for things that I really want then I have to be able to pay the price. Everything has a price. There is always an exchange. Perhaps that is true. But the way I measure value may not be exactly what I think it is. Perhaps the cost is actually no cost at all to me.

Today I also stopped myself from comparisons. I let myself see myself as a unique person like no other in my own specific journey, living my own specific story. I have to accept myself. I must be the first to validate who I am, what I consider important. I have to trust myself. I will set my own standards of success and happiness, not others. And I will let myself enjoy that success and that happiness regardless of other people’s standards.

Marie Kondo has the key idea of only allowing what sparks joy in your life. But then only I can say for sure what sparks my joy. There shouldn’t be rules on what should make me joyful, or what I should seek for joy (naturally assuming I have done the basic practice of self-examination). Given that, I should disregard what other people say about how my life should be in order for it to be joyful. What I can live without is different from many people. And there are certain things I cannot live without that many people will find rather unimpressive.

Today I stopped pressuring myself to do something, anything, to make things better, to solve all the problems, to not be useless and indulgent and irresponsible.

Today was the first-ever Monday of my life that didn’t hurt.

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